Marriage is a beautiful thing. To live forever with whom you deem your soul mate, best friend, partner in crime? That’s awesome. My relatives talk to me all the time about what marriage is like, and almost every time the topic comes up, they mention having kids. They talk about how kids are such a blessing, which I’m sure they are. They say there are hard times, but that it’s all worth it, and yes, I’m sure it is. But I think what they don’t understand is my fear of having kids because of my misophonia.
Misophonia has caused me to get angry at the tiniest things, even if they aren’t necessarily triggers. It’s caused me to be violent toward inanimate objects, and to myself. It’s caused me to scream and shout. I don’t want to have children because I fear I won’t be a good mother. I fear they’ll look at me and think about how scary I am when they hear me shout, when they hear me punch things. They’ll think they did something wrong, which they didn’t, but how can you make a child understand that?
I have read posts about misophonia sufferers with children, and how sometimes the kids trigger them. They post such violent thoughts about things they want to do to their own child. I know they won’t do that, but I don’t want to start having terrible thoughts like that. I have horrendous thoughts already.
Furthermore, some might say that the love of my children will overcome my misophonia. Are you sure about that? Everyone is different. My misophonia has changed me a lot in 11 years, and I’m sure it will continue to do so as I age. Others might say I’m too negative and should stop worrying. How can I not worry, especially when it keeps being brought up? I worry because my family expect me to have children. I also don’t think I’m being negative, I think I’m being realistic. Why would I want my child to see me as the mom who hates noise and tries to be careful but ends up triggering me anyway, and then the child cries and runs to his or her room because I shot them a death glare or slammed the table?
For now, I don’t see a child in my future because of misophonia. I applaud those with misophonia or some other mental disability that has children and is doing well. I do. I’m happy for those who love their children so much, that that love alone stops you from lashing out, but perhaps there is still hope for me. I’m only 21. Perhaps my fears will be laughable when my husband and I are looking at our child asleep in their room. But for now, I see a future with my current boyfriend in the near future, and that’s it. Him and I, together til death do us part, and finally able to claim his last name.
