For parents of misophonic children, romantic partners, friends, and educators, some traits of misophonia might look to them as a manipulative behaviour. For those with misophonia, when we are in fight-flight-freeze and dysregulated, our brains and bodies are telling us to do anything to stop the trigger—just as I imagine one would in any scenario that the brain and body have earmarked as a threat. It should be no surprise that when faced with an extremely aversive reaction to sounds (or visuals), that a person with misophonia would go to extreme lengths to stop the noise. Examples of this might be coming up with alternative explanations to try and force the event not to happen. For example, one might say they cannot go out because they have to do x, y, or z. Or, perhaps a partner goes to great lengths to avoid date night, even cancelling with excuses. Maybe the person comes up with a story for why something cannot be in their presence—for example, they might respond to gum chewers my saying that they are allergic to the smell. A parent with misophonia may tell their child that their loud chewing is rude, which is socially true in many circumstances, but this might not be the motivation for the request.
On the surface these behaviours might seem manipulative. The definition of manipulate is to, “control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.” The key point here is the unfairness or unscrupulously. For persons with misophonia it is not control of the other person that they want to achieve, but to alleviate or prevent a misophonic reaction. This behavior is adaptive. People with misophonia are used to being ignored, ridiculed, and told that their condition isn’t real. Even those who are supported might deal with guilt for asking others to stop a behaviour due to misophonia, and thus might rationalize an excuse that is to them more “logical” even if the receiving party suspects the misophonia is the cause.
An important part of misophonia is learning to self-advocate and adapt with the condition. However, for some, it can be harder, especially if the other party is not open to learning about their condition or accommodating. Instead of thinking people with misophonia are manipulative, let’s consider that maybe they are just trying to avoid the neurophysiological reaction, and not the person making the trigger.
